Of Barbers and of Bakers, a Tale of Revenge
by demonspitfire
Summary: Revenge: that's all Sweeney Todd ever thinks about. However, there is one person that appears to escape from his vengeful grasp no matter what clever (or so he thinks) schemes he comes up with. This is a tale of revenge between a barber and a baker that contains nonsensical elements. Pure silliness with a T rating.


_Of Barbers and of Bakers, a Tale of Revenge_

* * *

**I: "By the Sea"**

* * *

Do. Not. Ask.

Oh no−you had better not say one word: not to _him_ anyway. Don't you even _think_ about it! _He_ cannot even _think_ about it! _He_ _will_ not! Well, that's what _he_ said when _she_ proposed the idea in the first place…but here _they_ are…

Say. Anything. And. You. Will. Die.

He cannot even begin to fathom how he agreed (_no, I did not _agree_…she forced me here by some witchcraft or other…yes, that's what _she_ did_) to accompany her (_that witch_) to the "beautiful" seaside "by the [damn] English Channel." _Wench_.

Yet, here he sat, that insufferable−_and suffering_−demon barber of Fleet Street, Sweeney Todd; oh! And do not _even_ get him started on his superfluously ridiculous, striped attire (_damn woman and her unorthodox sense of matching…_).

Todd grumpily sat on a woolen blanket not far from the glistening waves that were the ocean. He sat with his arms and legs crossed as he donned the grumpiest pout he could muster. He could see the _b_itch−er…_w_itch−in the foreground, idly making a sandcastle near the water with the equally annoying brat.

"They will pay…" he caught himself speaking aloud; more out of habit really from saying it practically every day since his return whenever he had the judge and the beadle in mind.

Oh, and _that_ reminded him…

Going on this little vacation with those two vexatious beings would thus mean halting his daily activity of those revenge-consuming thoughts; in a way, he had unwillingly exchanged Turpin and the beadle for Lovett and the boy. And it's not like the accursed judge would be taking a leisurely stroll along with sandy shore in his bloomers, hand in hand with the beadle…no, even _that_ was too improbable than the judge finally making an appearance at Todd's shop.

Todd shifted his bloodied thoughts to the foreground again. Apparently Lovett and the brat had finished their creation that was supposedly a sandcastle. His frown deepened when he saw the two's faces: oh they were happy indeed. And he, Sweeney Todd, became even angrier.

And _then_, he thought as some invisible force penetrated his mind, he would have his revenge…she made his life miserable today, so it was only polite enough to return the favor.

Todd hastily stood up as his brushed off his nonsensical pants (well, more of shorts they would be called in common times). He glanced over at the aggravating pair: they were meandering over to the shore where the water just touched the damp sand. Perhaps they were to swim…a perfect distraction…he had such outstanding timing. Todd let a sly grin plaster itself on his face. His first grin of the day it was…

Ah, but how his grin would transform into a smile in just good time…

Todd quickly looked to where they were one last time and then darted to his left. Oh, he knew exactly what he was to do:

Off where he was running to was a rocky cliff-side that broke the beach in half. Sure, the beach continued on the other side, but that was just it: one could not see what was on the other side. Oh sure, people knew it was much like the beach Todd, Lovett, and Ragg had set up upon, but they were too content to be here rather than over there. Also, in order to get to said other side, Todd would have to walk on the inch high water…but, that was nothing, just the bottom of his soles getting wet. And, then he was on the other side; out of sight from the two, just as planned.

Todd took a look around: he would need three things to initiate his revenge on Lovett.

First, he would need a tool to dig a hole large enough for a body to fit in. He had no shovel. He scoured the beach…and by some divine miracle or other, it appeared that some treasure hunter had left his tool behind some driftwood. Or perhaps it had floated from the sea on said wood from pirates? Well, it didn't matter to Todd how it got there: he had a shovel and that's that.

So, he dug the hole and then tossed the shovel into the ocean to discard the soon to be evidence.

Second, Todd would need something to cover the hole; but that something must also be flimsy and thus going to break if even the lightest of humans were to walk across it.

And that's when he dragged that driftwood over the hole.

Lastly and thirdly, he needed something to mask the wood and thus the hole so _she_ would not suspect a thing. Well, seaweed is quite common at a beach and in abundant amounts.

Finally, Todd gathered a surplus of seaweed that littered the shoreline and covered the wood.

It was not suspicious in the least and looked merely as a mound of seaweed. Sweeney Todd goaded himself on such a marvelous job and found his way back to the other side of the beach…

Revenge was going to be quite superfluous…especially considering how deep he had dug the hole…hmmm, he could even bury her alive…something to think about…she surely couldn't talk with all that sand in her mouth.

But, knowing Lovett, she would find away…

Good…good…Lovett and Ragg appeared to have been so immersed in their little game of splashing and kicking water into the other's face to have even noticed Todd's abrupt disappearance. Now, Todd just had to play _nice_ for a while…

Sweeney walked over to them with his hands clasped behind his back, suppressing his evil grin and much-too-soon triumph. Nellie and Toby heard his footsteps smacking the water so they turned their heads in his direction.

"'Ello, love. Finally decided to stop your sulking and come join us for some fun?" She derided as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Of course," he lied.

"Really?" She didn't buy it. "Then you wouldn't mind if I did _this_, now would ya?"

She kicked the ocean water and went it spraying all over Sweeney. Oh yes, he would _definitely_ be burying her alive now…if not forever, than at least until she plead to go home and thus bringing an end to this damned trip.

Toby, meanwhile, had decided it was best to make his way back to the blanket and gobble up the food…being near the barber was not something he was keen on doing at the moment. He would have normally stayed, just in case to protect his mother, but, he had a good view and could be there in a flash if the barber tried anything. So, here he sat and here he munched.

"Not…at all…" Sweeney grumbled out, trying not to lead her into believing he was up to no good…well, more so than usual anyway.

"Alright then, how 'bout this!" She kicked water at him again.

He was not losing his composure, and was sopping wet.

"I was _actually_ wondering if you would accompany me on a walk, _pet_," he spat as he rubbed water from his eyes.

"Really?" Nellie beamed as she let the water she had scooped up into her hands fall back into the ocean.

"I may have reconsidered…"

"No!" She accidently yelled. "I'm sorry, love. Jus' trying to 'ave a bit o' fun is all. Didn't mean to upset you."

"That's…alright," he lied again; she _would_ regret this.

Sweeney stepped closer to her and offered his arm which she readily looped with hers. He remained closer to the dry sand as Nellie was stationed nearest the ocean…perfect really considering the hole was positioned closest to the ocean as well.

Sweeney led them to that cliff-side and was walking Nellie and himself around it…the seaweed-covered trap was still though a good hundred yards away from them.

Then, Sweeney had another ingenious thought: sand is quite irritating when clinging to you; and it clings on much better to a wet surface…Well, she could suffer even more than he wanted (and he could want a lot considering how sadistic he is) and Nellie Lovett had started it with the kicking and splashing…

So, he withdrew his arm and pushed her a bit but with enough force to cause Nellie to stumble and thus trip to the ground right as a large wave was crashing into the shore.

And Sweeney laughed at her.

"W-ww-…" Nellie was at a loss for words…_what the hell jus' 'appened?_

Nellie stood up and wiped the sand that had reached her face off. She could not believe what he had just done…well, she could, but laughing?

"Well," Nellie said after she had regained her self, "are you going to apologize?"

Sweeney just walked on…"not at all."

Nellie jogged towards him as he was approaching this large mound of seaweed. He offered her his hand this time which she greedily took. And again, they walked in the same style.

When they approached this large mound, Nellie tried directing Sweeney around it so she would not have to step in it; but, he remained resolute and not altering his pace and direction. _Stubborn man!_ She cursed as she began to tread on the slimy greens.

Sweeney, in the meanwhile, was gazing at her from the corner of his right eye, waiting like a predator for the moment his prey would drop her guard. Any minute now, Nellie Lovett would fall seven feet into a sodding hole where she would then be toppled with seaweed and driftwood that would end up falling with her; not to mention the sand that would also fall thus plastering itself throughout her body in the most irritant of way. Any second now…

But that second never came.

The two were now continuing their walk across the sand now, abject of any seaweed of driftwood…or covered hole. _Why didn't it work?! _Sweeney was slightly panicking…but not exactly considering his persona of stoicism.

"What's the matter, love?" Nellie noticed a change in his demeanor by the way Sweeney was slowing his pace and tightening his grip on her hand.

"Let's go back."

"Alright."

Sweeney turned them around but scooted closer to the ocean so Nellie would once again have to trek across the seaweed, which she noticed.

"Why are you so insistent on me walking on the seaweed? It's bloody disgusting walking through it with no shoes ya know?" She harshly teased. "Oh but you wouldn't know would ya since ya make me do it."

"Shut up, Mrs. Lovett. I'm trying to enjoy myself."

"Oh. Listening to the waves, love?" Nellie inquired with a hint of sarcasm and hint of her romantic drawl.

"Ya…sure."

And again, Todd made Lovett walk across his seaweed-covered hole…and AGAIN! to no avail. Sweeney stopped dead in his tracks and then grabbed Nellie by both her hands as he was leading her back over the mound.

"Why won't it work…" he mumbled under his breath.

"Why don't _what_ work?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me what's goin' on this instant, Mr. Todd."

Sweeney ignored her as he positioned her once again in the middle of his supposed trap whilst he remained off of it himself. He let go of her hands as he observed her; Nellie stood in the very middle of the mound with her hands on her hips looking puzzled at Mr. Todd's quirky behavior.

"I don't understand…" Sweeney muttered quietly, but not enough to be talking to himself.

"Understand what?" She pressed as she eyed him down.

"Why won't it break!?" He gasped irately as he started to walk towards Mrs. Lovett as he kept his eyes drawn to the ground (hole). Nellie, realizing Mr. Todd was determined in this newfound pace of his, quickly took several steps back and off of the mound…

CRUNCH! SNAP! UMPH!

"Dammit to hell!" Sweeney Todd screamed as he tumbled into the dark abyss of what was supposed to be Lovett's "burial."

During his plummet, like he had wanted when Lovett was to fall, the driftwood and seaweed fell with him and toppled onto him, along with some sand…all into his once smug face. He looked up, about seven _feet_ up to see Nellie Lovett looking down at him, with a sly and smug smile of her own on her face.

"Ah; so that's what _what_ is….serves you right, ya bleedin' bastard."

With that, she walked away, leaving the fuming−and revenge-_less_−barber behind to fester away in _his_ hole; but not before kicking in the rest of the seaweed that had neglected to fall. Sweeney also could have sworn he heard her mumble something or other along the lines of: "Guess revenge wasn't as superfluous as ya thought, hmm?"

_That_ was Sweeney Todd's last time at the sea…but his _revenge_ was just beginning.

* * *

_**A/N's:**_

Hello readers! ;) So, this story is just for fun and to keep more of me enterained. If you couldn't tel by the last line, it is a comedic little story of Sweeney trying to get revenge on Lovett...or, in modern times and in un-Sweeney language, this is a tale of practical jokes. So, expect humor and hints of Sweenett! But, unfortunately, mostly humor. Usually, I try to write fanfiction with a plausible plot or something that is likely for the characters to experience, so I tried in this story but I still don't think this would happen. Anyway, if any of you are familiar with my other Sweenett, _Motherly Affections_, yes, that indeed shall be updated every 17th; this one is more of whenever I get another prank in my mind and feel like being funny or if people really like this, that is when it shall be updated...so possibly more updated than my other story, or maybe not as much. So...bye! Hope you enjoyed? Want more silliness?


End file.
